How to tell the kids you’re separating.

How to tell the kids you’re separating

Telling your kids, you’re getting divorced or are separating isn’t easy. It needs sensitive handling and is undoubtedly a conversation there is no script for – but approaching the subject in the right way can make all the difference. It goes without saying that any separation or dispute between parents will have a profound effect on a child of any age -so getting it right is essential.

In this article, we share some of our tips to help you have that difficult conversation. Although it’s been written with younger children in mind, the concepts can be applied to children of all ages.

Timing: This is important. Make sure that any decision to separate is final. Changing your mind further down the track is likely to confuse and upset. You’ll need to pick the right moment (or at least as close as you can get) when everyone is feeling calm and relaxed. Don’t tell the kids at school drop off or bedtime – as the chances are they’ll have lots of questions, and you’ll need the time to answer and support them. Lots of hugs and reassurance helps.

Tell them together: Any separation is tough, but it’s even tougher on children if their parents are not on good terms. When you sit down and talk to them together, you’re telling your kids that the decision to separate was a joint one and that you both care and are still in their lives.

Keep it simple: Children don’t understand adult relationships, especially if they’re young. They may not know what separation or divorce actually means. Talk openly and honestly, keeping your language simple and leaving them out of any conflicts that may arise.

Explain and be clear about what any day to day changes may look like for them. Children need structure and routine to feel safe. When you explain changes, you prepare your kids. Many parents make a wall planner so that the kids can quickly check when they are seeing each parent.

When parents argue, children often think that it’s their fault. Take the time to reassure them that it isn’t their fault. Explain calmly that separation is a difficult decision for adults and that it happens to a lot of families. Telling them is challenging at first but telling them that things will get better, helps them to understand that this is not forever; life and the family will move on.

The blame game: Don’t do it. No matter how tempted you might be to put your side of the story across, it won’t help the situation. Too much information will only cause your children to become confused, worried and anxious. You only need to imagine how they might feel on hearing about an affair or about any financial worries.

Lots of Hugs: Love, security, safety and clear boundaries throughout the divorce or separation process will help your children deal with your separation the best they can and oh – give lots of hugs too;)

At Arora Legal, our lawyers and mediators take great care on resolving children arrangements either through mediation, collaborative practice or solicitor led negotiation. We aim to keep you out of court to reduce conflict that may affect your children. To find out more and how we can help you, call or book for your free 15-minute consultation.